Make smarter choices

I’m old enough to know better. I’ve said this phrase a lot in the past year. Since April (when my long term relationship ended), I’ve tried to find me again. What I have learned is that what I could do at 25 is not something I can do now at 32. A night of drinking kills me for days. Hell, staying up past midnight now means my sleep partner is fucked for a week. 

One thing that I should know better than anything by now is when to hold back, when to walk away, and when to just say no. I, unfortunately, have not learned that just yet. I still struggle with speaking up and saying no. It’s something that my therapist and I are still working on. That also means I don’t realize when I should walk away until it’s much too late. As for the holding back, life is not fun if you’re standing there watching the world go by but when it comes to my emotional needs, I should have learned not to be so trusting so quickly especially in today’s dating culture. 

For example, I sit here (right now) in a hotel room in Arlington, VA. It’s a very nice hotel room paid for by a guy I consider my friend but I am also in love with him. He has a lot of emotional baggage and won’t commit even though he’s fed me some very nice lines. Through his actions, I am the girl he runs to when he needs someone to be vulnerable with, “date,” and travel with. Basically, I am his girlfriend without any of the perks. We may occasionally sleep together but that’s only when he wants it otherwise “the store is closed.” He tells me I am using him but he’s truly using me. I am his emotional support without any benefit to myself. He gets upset when I start seeing someone else but when I get upset when he starts seeing someone else, I’m “too attached because we aren’t in a relationship.”

I literally just realized that he’s being manipulative and emotionally abusive without ever knowing what he’s doing. He wants me to be available to him but god forbid if I’m not there for him. And the best part, I can’t be done with him just yet. I have committed to running three races with him in February, March, and April. What I can do is not let him control me until I can be completely finished with him.

Now Accepting Applications for a New Partner in Crime

It’s been quite some time since I’ve actually taken the time to write on here. This past year has been a rollercoaster ride, so many ups and so many downs. Next Saturday, December 29, was the day I was supposed to get married. Now the man I thought I would spend forever with is engaged to another woman. The woman he cheated on me with. Funny how much can change in the course of a year. 

I can go through the all the excuses: I should’ve known. He was distant because of work and training. Blah. Blah. Blah. What it comes down to was trying to make someone fit in my life that wasn’t meant to be there long term. I am thankful for my ex. He taught me how to love unconditionally. He showed me I was worthy of love and he introduced to me running and triathlons. 

This is my first Christmas without my partner in crime. The first Christmas in four years that he hasn’t been with me.

It feels weird yet natural at the same time. I was able to get through all the family events with only one person asking me about how Voldy (the ex that shall not be named). That to me a huge success but I also had to deal with strolls down memory lane. 

You see, on top of my longterm relationship ending, I also lost the man who was like my brother. We had grown up together and even though I was seven years his junior, we were thick as thieves. He was my brother. What makes his death even worse, I was one of the last people he talked to before he died. I still don’t understand how it happened but deep down, I know. 

For the first time since my grandmother passed away, this Christmas hurts. I have been an emotional wreck over the last few days (I’m blaming the full moon). I want nothing more to be miserable in my bed at home. Instead, I force myself to be around family. I put on this mask and I fucking fake it like the goddamn champion I am. I’ve gotten so good at faking it that I’m pretty sure most of the guys I’ve slept with have all thought they made me orgasm from sex. (If you must known, only one has been successful.)

Being single at Christmas already sucks because you have all these friends and family members who talk about how happy they are, showing off family portraits, talking of vacations, etc. and I’m over here like I finally got an adult job, moved out on my own, and started traveling for myself. I’m living my best life without a man but no one seems to care. Jokes on them. I can spend my money on whatever I like. I can wake up tomorrow and get on an airplane anywhere in the world. I can have sex all damn day if I wanted to. I can sleep all day. They can’t do any of that without an extreme amount of planning.

After watching a comedy special called Jigsaw, I’m now more aware of the relationships around me. I see through the bullshit. Most of the people in life are in false relationships. They want you to think they are happy when in reality, they’re miserable. They are trying to force someone to fit into their life when they don’t fit. I DID THE SAME THING WITH MY EX. Never again. Yes, I am be a little cynical but I’m still a hopeless romantic. 

After seeing both of my cousins (one literally just had twins and the other barely interacts with their spouse when standing next to them), I am thankful I’m no longer in the relationship with Voldy. The best thing I did was walk away. Yes, learning to live without has sucked but I’ve met some of the most incredible people. I have found me again. I have moved away like I always wanted. I am finally living for me. If I happen to find a new partner in crime who understand this, they just might last longer than Voldy.